Ever since picking him up out of that parking lot I've known he would be neutered one day. It's the right thing to do. It's the only way to go. I did not expect how difficult it would be for me.
I worry that the entire experience of being in the hospital (the sedation, the scary lights, the bad smells) will traumatize him. I wanted to cry when we brought him to the vet and he was so happy and curious. He went behind the counter to see the vet tech, wagging his tale, sniffing her, wanting to see what she was doing. He happily trotted off with her into the back room. I just thought, "Oh god, Murphy. I'm so sorry."
Then I also worry that the removal of his testicles and the accompanying testosterone will traumatize him. Will he feel different? Will he miss his testosterone? Will other dogs beat up on him now that he doesn't have it? Worse --will it change his personality. I love him just the way he is -- I don't want him changed (except the bit about him digging the yard up all over... and maybe his crazy screaming bark).
Truth be told -- I am a nervous wreck. I had to concentrate on breathing at the vet so I wouldn't have a break down and start ranting (I think they've had enough of that from me). My stomach feels sick. What am I doing to this incredible little dog? Will he be better for it? Will he survive? Will he be traumatized for life? I take comfort from the many people I have asked about their own dogs and the fact that they all made it through, with no loss of personality or love.
Raising up this puppy is teaching me many things. I know that I am overly anxious about everything Murphy related. I check to make sure he's breathing every night (what if he just suffocated in his sleep?). Worrying about his happiness and well-being is just about driving me out of my mind. I really need to relax or I think I'm going to have a breakdown. If this is how I act with a dog -- I cannot imaging a human.
For now -- I'll stick with Murphy. I love him. Even with his crazy screaming bark (which I hope doesn't change).
